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The 2010 Olympics begin tonight in Vancouver and the Canadian rumor mill is abuzz as to who will perform.  Some of the names that have come up in conversation are Bryan Adams, Sarah MacLachlan and k.d. Lang.  Wait a minute, are we having a 90’s themed Olympics here?  Are Pauly Shore and Martin Short hosting the opening ceremony?  They may just have to drag out every Canadian entertainment star in history to fill four hours of television tonight.

This just in: Celine Dion’s publicist called and said that Celine is busy fading into oblivion in Las Vegas and won’t be available.  Between you and me I think she’s bullshitting.

Seriously though, there is a lack of snow in and around Vancouver.  The city itself is known for mild winters, but it is raining in the mountains.  They are actually airlifting snow to the snowboard park.  I’m sure there is no better use of time, money and resources than airlifting snow in for the Olympics.  It just warms my heart to think that The Flying Tomato (worst nickname ever) aka Shaun White, will be able to do his little tricks and flips and hopefully win another gold medal for his trophy case.

The big news though is Lindsay Vonn.  That girl is hot.  Did you see her in SI’s Swimsuit Edition?  She hurt her shin and is doped up on painkillers, but the collective Olympic committee is willing her to ski because apparently she is one of the “main events.”  First she was out, now she’s back in, then she was a question mark, now it looks like she’ll ski at least a few races.  I can barely keep up with all the excitement.  All I know is she allegedly does a great spread eagle.

In general I find the Olympics to be overrated.  Some of the events are just ridiculous, like that skiing with a gun.  When is that practical?  Are you going to be living in a James Bond movie sometime soon? 

Do not even get me started on figure skating: the singles, the pairs, the fancy routines, the twists and turns.  Figure skating is the only sport I can think of off the top of my head that encourages men to wear leotards and dress like women.  That’s not a bad thing – I just don’t get why every woman in the world loves to watch it.  It’s like chocolate.  Women are blindly obsessed with Olympic figure skating.  For two weeks every four years all the women I know become expert judges:

“Oh my god!  Why did she do a double sow cow there?  That was prime speed and placement for the triple toe loop.  The judges are going to take points off for that one.”  Come on!

The most intriguing sport to me is the ski jump.  I know it’s all about glide ratios and aerodynamics, but that shit is crazy.  First of all, who was the first to try that?  It must have been on a dare.  Secondly, how do you practice?  I get that if you keep your skis in a ‘V’ formation you will kind of soar through the air.  What if you don’t get the V going on and come off that jump a little crooked?  Then you’re just hurtling through the air 120 feet off the ground until you crash and die.  Or what if you fall while skiing down the jump and kind of just drop off the end?  No momentum, no gliding, just falling.  It is impressive.

Enough ripping on the Olympics.  They are here and I will probably watch some of the coverage, although I do not own a television.  At the very least they will keep down the overzealous talk about the worst holiday in the world – Valentine’s Day.

Also, everyone rips on Canada, but I would like to formally thank them for the BlackBerry.  And, despite massive campaigns to the contrary waged by conservative war/fear mongers, the US gets the bulk of its oil and coal from our neighbor to the north.  Fair warning though – you better lock up your fresh water because America’s going to get thirsty in a few years.

Happy Friday!

-The Wanderboy